Film 014 - S. Darko

(2009, colour, 103 mins)

Director - Chris Fisher

Starring - Daveigh Chase, Briana Evigan, James Lafferty, Ed Westwick

I was a huge fan of the first Donnie Darko. I thought it was hilarious and heartbreaking, mysterious and melancholy all at the same time with a nifty plot twist that had me talking to my mates about it for days afterward. Simply put, I thought it was a work of art. If Donnie Darko is art then, this "sequel" is a stickman drawn on a Post-It note by a blind six-year-old with no arms.

S. Darko is set seven years after the original movie. Now a teenager, Donnie's youngest sister Samantha (played again by Daveigh Chase whose appearance has seemingly matured better than her acting skills have) is on a road trip with her friend Corey (a girl, despite the name). Their car breaks down in the middle of a desert so they make their way to a small hotel in a sleepy town while they wait for the car to be fixed.

Then... well, I don't know. I couldn't make head nor tail of this film, if I'm being honest. I know that was sort of the charm of the first movie, but at least after a lot of digging around and theorising the first movie begins to make sense. This makes none at all. Apparently Samantha sleepwalks (like Donnie did), but also appears to people as a sort of angel with a bleeding head. At some point someone makes a rabbit mask for no apparent reason other than so the movie can have a bit where someone holds up a rabbit mask in a dramatic way to please the Donnie Darko fans.

In fact, it seems that the whole film's just one big attempt to re-do all the best bits from Donnie Darko, only do them much worse. The excellent school scene from the original (where time goes quickly and slowly to the tune of Head Over Heels from Tears For Fears) is completely ripped off for a rubbish pool party scene, the music is very Donnie Darko-esque, there's another paedophile in it, there are loads of quotes from the original ("they made me do it, the world is going to end" etc), Roberta Sparrow is briefly mentioned for the sake of it and there's a couple of dumb time-travelling moments chucked in to justify the "Darko" bit in the title. Even the main creepy guy in the film looks so much like Jake Gyllenhall (the original Donnie) that there's no way in hell it was a coincidence. They just forgot to put a plot in there to tie it all together.

If you're a fan of Donnie Darko, I wouldn't be surprised if you feel obliged to see this anyway. I promise you that you'll regret it. Watch the trailer below: it makes about as much sense.

1 out of 5

Film 013 - Hakaider

(1995, colour, 80 mins)

Director - Keita Amemiya

Starring - Yuji Kishimoto, Mai Hosho, Yasukai Honda

Let's face it: for western viewers, a lot of Asian cinema doesn't make a lot of sense. That's why it's refreshing to see that, despite the setting and plot being a bit mental, Hakaider does actually make sense for the most part.

The film is set in the futuristic Jesus Town (formerly Jerusalem), and sees a society ruled between a controlling government and an all-powerful leader called Girjev (Honda). A few rebels form a group to try to put a stop to them, but for the most part they struggle to make an impact. That's until Hakaider turns up, of course.

Hakaider (Kishimoto) doesn't really have a proper backstory in the film: he was an android (think a Japanese version of The Terminator) who was kept away from society and somehow ends up back in it. He saves the rebels from certain death by blowing the hell out of a group of government soldiers so the rebels, led by Kaoru (Hosho), befriend him. He ends up going a bit mental and turns on the rebels too, but eventually he falls for Kaoru and decides to help her put an end to the government by destroying Girjev and his robot helper.

What this all results in is some cheesy acting, daft action (which is sometimes surprisingly gory), and a pretty awesome final battle between Hakaider and Girjev's robot buddy.

In all, Hakaider's a fun little film. Nothing too serious, but still a good laugh. Worth a watch if you can find it.

3 out of 5

Film 012 - Zombie Death House

(1987, colour, 90 mins)

Director - John Saxon

Starring - John Saxon, Dennis Cole, Anthony Franciosa, Dana Lis Mason

Let's face it: when a film's called Zombie Death House you're not exactly expecting The Godfather. You're expecting, at best, some gory deaths and some hilariously cheesy acting. Thankfully, this delivers on both counts.

The film's first half-hour would have you believe you'd mistakenly bought a cheesy '80s action movie instead. The lead character Derek (a Vietnam war veteran and all-round hero) has been framed and sent to death row for a crime he didn't commit. So far so straightforward.

The problem is, the prison he's been sent to is also home to a dodgy science experiment being conducted by the government. They're testing a highly dangerous drug on the inmates, but when they start turning into zombies the prison is quarantined, leaving Derek and some of the people he meets along the way (including the expected love interest) trying to find a way out.

What ensues is a lot of atrocious acting, a lot of hilarious "tense" moments which are about as scary as a hamster sneezing, and a lot of stupidly gory deaths which tend to bump the funny bone rather than churn the stomach.

The key moment for me is the world's slowest decapitation, performed by a Jamaican zombie who seems to put his victim in a sleeper hold and slowly ease their head off.

Zombie Death House is complete rubbish, but it's fun rubbish. It's worth a watch if you want to be entertained for 90 minutes, but don't expect to be putting it alongside The Shawshank Redemption in your list of favourite prison movies.

Check out the trailer below, under the film's original title of Death House, which promises nothing to do with zombies at all. Imagine the shock people got when they expected a rubbish prison movie and got a rubbish prison movie with extra deadly Jamaican sleeper holds.

3.5 out of 5

Film 011 - Hamlet 2

(2008, colour, 92 mins)

Director - Andrew Fleming

Starring - Steve Coogan, Skylar Astin, Phoebe Strole, Catherine Keener, David Arquette, Elisabeth Shue

I feel sorry for Steve Coogan. He's done loads of great films and TV shows but he'll always be remembered as Alan Partridge no matter what he does for the rest of career. Yes, Partridge will always be the best thing he's ever done, but it overshadows his other great roles in the likes of Coogan's Run, The Parole Officer, The Day Today, Dr Terrible's House Of Horrible, Saxondale, 24 Hour Party People... the list goes on.

Unfortunately for Coogan, he'll always be Alan Partridge to us: his recent role in Tropic Thunder did nothing to suggest otherwise and neither will his performance, enjoyable it may be, in Hamlet 2 (which I watched on Region 1 DVD but will be in UK cinemas this February).

Coogan plays Dana Marschz, a drama teacher at an American high school who dreams of one day being recognised as a serious artist. Each year directs plays based on popular movies, which are met with little to no reaction from the local community. With the school making cutbacks to save money Dana is told that the drama department is set to be axed after the current term, so he decides to go all out and write an original play, one which he hopes will be so enthralling he'll save the department while winning himself acclaim as a true artist in the process.

Unfortunately the play he writes is "Hamlet 2", a sequel to Shakespeare's classic tragedy. Despite the fact that everyone died in Hamlet, this new sequel sees Hamlet stepping into a time machine and stopping everyone else from dying, but not before encountering Jesus and bringing him to the present day. With songs like "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" and "Raped In The Face" the play gets attention for all the wrong reasons, and Dana finds himself in a fight to get his play shown.

Hamlet 2 is as ridiculous as it sounds. Coogan does a good job in the lead role, though it's off-putting to watch him talking in an American accent. Some of the other characters are rather forgettable (a few of the students in the class are just latino stereotypes and David Arquette gets paid money for delivering almost no dialogue throughout the whole film), but in general the cast gets the job done well.

Although the main storyline (the production and eventual performance of the play) is entertaining stuff, the other sub-plot - in which Dana struggles at home to keep his wife satisfied - is almost free of comedy or drama, and feels like it's just been put in there to extend the running time: especially when the sub-plot ends abruptly with an unsatisfactory conclusion.

That said, the goods far outweigh the bads and the play itself is hilarious stuff, with genuinely catchy musical numbers (you'll be humming "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" for days afterward) and ridiculous moment after ridiculous moment.

For a daft comedy with solid laughs and generally good performances all round, you could do a lot worse than Hamlet 2.

3 out of 5